Grit. Persist.
No matter what.
Don’t be a person who gives up.
If need be, redirect. Make a pivot, but don’t give up.
This has always been my mantra ever since I understood what it means to labor and persevere for success that only I can understand.
Being the eldest daughter, from a tender age, I bore a bit of the weight of responsibility for my family. I’m thankful for this experience for this brought out good character traits and life thriving skills in me.
And these days when I ponder on life, I realise that it’s not so bad to be the eldest daughter after all.
I’m now seeing it as a privilege and a leverage. This position comes with its own set of blessings and opportunities for growth. I used to treat it as a burden, but these days, surprisingly, I find it something to be truly proud of.
Here’s why!
The Perks of Being An Eldest Daughter
⭐Leadership and Accountability
Ever since I was young, I’d always be in situations where I needed to take initiative. I just gravitated towards taking charge. Sometimes it’s in the planning of house chores or at times, it’s in demonstrating how to do things. When my parents were out, I would look out for my younger siblings. I dealt with various challenges with them and through this experience, I developed my problem-solving skills.
When I entered the workforce, I naturally brought this unique skill set I acquired from home and it has really impacted my career. My first paid job was working as a student assistant in the Library Department in the university where I took my degree. The second one was in the Accounting Department in the same university. My supervisors and colleagues back then appreciated my strong sense of reliability and responsibility. My third job was being an usher at the Cultural Center of the Philippines.
These three jobs were side hustles that I took on to support my college finances while taking my bachelor’s degree. Many times I was able to navigate my work tasks and academic duties with my self-management skills.
⭐Resilience and Determination
Two of my best qualities that I could depend on in times of trouble are my resilience and determination. I credit acquiring these two to my upbringing as an eldest daughter. I managed to excel in highly stressful work conditions in the customer service industry. I thrived teaching overseas while surrounded by diverse people and immersed in a different culture. There were plenty of obstacles in my career growth that I was able to tackle and my patience proved to be a crucial quality in the equation.
Even now, when I have life difficulties, I would always emerge stronger and more driven. My goals become more defined and my direction becomes clearer whenever I practice resilience and determination. My ability to bounce back keeps me more motivated.
⭐ Empathy and Compassion
My early exposure to the needs of my younger siblings developed a deep sense of empathy and compassion in me. As the eldest, I always found myself finding a common ground, setting peace at home, and providing comfort. Because of this, I can easily build rapport with people and I’m able to resolve issues without any heated arguments with anyone.
Dealing with 4 younger siblings shaped my skill in recognizing the emotions in others and sharing their feelings. It also sharpened my ability to view things from another perspective and respond to their pain.
Why I Resented Being An Eldest Daughter
There are so many things that I’m now able to enjoy because of my upbringing as an eldest daughter. I didn’t know that on this day, I’d be able to say that, “It’s not so bad to be an eldest daughter after all”.
You see, in a Filipino household, family dynamics could really be toxic. I’m referred to as the “Ate” by my parents and my siblings. As the “Ate”, I took on the maternal role, which meant – caregiver, supporter, provider.
I put my younger sister through high school for 4 years. I put my younger brother through college for 4 years. I helped my parents settle their loans and I contributed financially to my family for a certain period of time. This expectation is prevalent in most Filipino households.
And honestly, there was a point when I resented this dynamics. Filial piety is deeply ingrained in our culture and the society puts a high premium on being an exemplary obedient daughter. Initially, I was genuine in serving the needs of my family, however, when I reached my saturation point, that’s when I felt the exhaustion from it. I no longer viewed it as a sincere act.
How to Get Out of the Eldest Daughter Syndrome
While it is admirable to be a great eldest daughter by Filipino society standards, it could also be detrimental to one’s health. So if you’re an eldest daughter reading this, I highly suggest that you draw that defining moment in time when you can finally say, “I’ve genuinely done my part to my family and now it’s time to do my part lovingly to myself”.
Here are some practical tips that I can give you which I, myself, have done:
🪐 Share the load and delegate responsibilities.
As the eldest daughter, I fell in to this mentality of doing everything myself.
What I’ve gradually done is to assess the abilities of my younger siblings so that I could assign them some tasks and remove some load from me. I still offered guidance when they needed and I did the sharing of responsibilities slowly.
I was incrementally relieving myself off my own burdens (which could have been shared from the beginning), but at the same time I was also empowering them.
🪐 Define your limits.
There will be a time when you will have to ask yourself, “What is truly important to me?”. This moment came to me when I met my husband. I finally felt the need to settle down and prioritise my future family.
Write down what you require for your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. What are your limitations in terms of time, energy, money?
When you’re able to pinpoint what you value and what your capacities are, it’s now much easier to define your limits. The next thing to do is convey this to your family. There’s no need to be aggressive about it. Do it slowly. Politely decline when you cannot accommodate a request or a favour. Say no to additional commitments if you know you will be overwhelmed by it.
🪐 Don’t neglect your needs.
As an eldest daughter, it comes naturally for us to prioritise the needs of our family. However, it’s necessary to take care of ourselves, too.
Why I felt exhausted and eventually resented helping my family was that I abandoned my own needs in return. I should have been careful on this aspect. I could have avoided overcommitting and bottling up my feelings.
It’s commendable to want to support our family financially, but without careful consideration on our needs, it will just lead to more challenges later on. Try to explore ways to contribute to your family without compromising your security. This is not just in the financial aspect, but also in your mental wellbeing.
If you take on the sole problem-solver role in your family, it won’t be sustainable. I’ve been there and I can guarantee you that if you continue to do so, you will be burnt out. It’s just impossible to solve all of their problems, including yours, and it will just bring about frustration.
A more balanced approach on this would be to address underlying issues and letting them find their own solutions.
Don’t neglect your needs by saving them. Allocate time and resources to protect your own wellbeing. When you do this, you will be more capable of empowering them.
There will be Better Days Ahead
It took me a hard time to appreciate where I am now as the eldest daughter in my family. From being proud to be serving the needs of my family to nursing ill feelings about it, I’ve really come a long way in forgiving myself and practicing tough love.
If there’s any consolation that I got out of this is that there will be better days ahead. When you’re able to strike the balance between being a good eldest daughter and a kind person to yourself, this is when you can appreciate your position in life.
If you’re an eldest daughter in a Filipino household like me, I can understand your sentiments. You know, we don’t have to suffer from the eldest daughter syndrome. We can avoid experiencing this by establishing and asserting our capacities early on and by exerting an empowering kind of love.
We don’t have to carry the burden of our family alone. We can always create a more balanced situation for ourselves and for our family.
(We write our content in the hope of making you, our readers, feel a little more inspired in a time when you’re probably feeling low. We hope you feel a little lighter after visiting our site. Then, we know we’ve served our purpose.⭐)
